He is the why

When I started my blog, I should have started from the beginning, instead I began in the middle. Why? Because the beginning is messy, painful and full of memories but I promise you it is a beautiful journey. So here it is, the beginning. I am going to be brutally honest because my hope is that maybe my story, our story, may help someone, some day. So, grab a cup of coffee, tea or a glass of wine and read the honest truth about why we stopped our American Dream to pursue more.

Before

I was on the pursuit of perfection: perfect mom to 3 perfect kids, a perfect home full of all the perfect Pinterest pins, perfect hair with perfect make-up, perfect marriage to a perfect man. On the outside, it looked like I/we had it all. On the inside I was scared, overwhelmed, selfish, judgmental, angry and all around miserable. I found fault in everything and everyone because I didn't love myself. I felt unlovable and broken and it showed. I knew something was very wrong with my marriage. I was pretty happy most days until the moment that Scott walked into the door. My mood instantly changed. I became defensive and really just didn't want anything to do with him. He was not the man I married. In fact, I really didn't like him at all. He had retreated from me and the kids. Checked out completely. I tried to talk to him, tried to ask what was wrong but got no answer or he would point fingers and blame me. I couldn't do anything right. He would point out all my mistakes, flaws and imperfections. The only time he needed me is when he wanted me physically. That was the last thing that I wanted from him but I gave in because that was the only closeness I had from him. I knew something was very wrong. Divorce was not in my vocabulary but something had to give and I was getting to the end of my rope. I remember waking up in the middle of the night in terror thinking, "Is this all there is and will I live the rest of my life this way?"

On Monday, June 13, 2016, I received my answer. I found out that Scott had been unfaithful to me. It wasn't an isolated event, he was involved with another woman for quite a while. I was destroyed, my reality shattered. You can imagine the emotions that I went through that day. I felt betrayed, unloved and absolutely alone. Not knowing what came next, I wandered that day, lost in my own pain. Through my tears, I made my way to a church that we had attended previously and fell to me knees. I prayed like I had never prayed before. I wasn't alone. I asked God to take this from me, to lead me, to help me because I was incapable of facing this by myself. Still distraught but able to function, I checked myself into a hotel room and sat in the darkness for hours. Scott called me and repeatedly begged to talk to me. I finally relented and he came over. He told me everything over the course of a few hours. For once, he was completely honest and vulnerable with me and I could see the pain and sincerity in his eyes when he spoke. Then, I forgave him. Let that sink in. I didn't run, I didn't demand a divorce, I didn't scream, I forgave him. I didn't realize it at the time but God had this. I, of my own accord, never would have thought to forgive him but God knew better. He really did "take the wheel" in that moment. Of course, Scott was stunned, the last thing he expected was forgiveness! He was overwhelmed with emotion, humbled and grateful.

We went home. I had forgiven him but had not forgotten. We still had a long road ahead of us. But God continued His work. The next morning, Scott went to the basement and opened his bible for the first time in years. He read the book of James and looked up the definition of a biblical marriage. He realized, in that instant, his selfishness, got down on his knees and prayed for forgiveness. In that moment of complete surrender, God performed a miracle and changed Scott's heart. I wouldn't have believed it but I witnessed the change myself. I had prayed for it so many times. When he came upstairs, he was a changed man. Our healing journey began. On Wednesday, Scott had a bit more information that he needed to tell me. I was so furious when he told me that I bolted, ran to the basement and tried to lock him out. He found me, held me and started praying. He kept asking me to pray with him but I just couldn't. I was too angry, too upset and too lost in my emotion. Scott persisted though and I finally prayed with him. This was the first time we had prayed together as a couple and really was the beginning of our healing journey and our marriage, but this time we allowed God to lead the way for us.

After

When I found out that Scott was unfaithful, I had to take a look at my so called perfect life. It was perfect by wordly standards but far from perfect in God's eyes. I had to be accountable for my contribution to our marital problems. I didn't realize how much hurt I had caused by neglecting him, placing unrealistic expectations on him and our marriage and letting my independent nature wedge us apart. When faced with tragedy suddenly things just looked different. Things that once mattered felt so trivial. I started letting go of things that no longer served me and began forgiving people I should have forgiven long ago. Piece by piece, bit by bit things started falling away that I no longer needed to fill me up. I stopped buying things and instead gave things away. Alcohol and partying with friends was no longer needed as an escape. Certain movies and songs were all the sudden repulsive to me. I started spending quiet time in nature, meditating and praying frequently. My priorities were starting to align. Scott and I rediscovered each other and it felt like we were dating again only better this time. We were connected in a way that I never felt we could be but had prayed for so often. We went through counseling and started to build trust again. Trust was the hardest thing to regain. But over time, he proved his love and commitment to me by his actions, not his words. As I reflect while writing this, I feel only gratitude for the events that have taken place in our marriage, for we now know the meaning of love. Not the superficial kind of love but a deep, true, fully committed, "I got you" kind of love.

God blessed us with a new beginning. He changed our hearts and filled our once dark souls with His light. This was our beginning. We started to redefine our lives and purpose based on His divine plan for us. He is the why.

Ezekiel 36:26-27 New King James Version (NKJV)

26 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. 27 I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk in My statutes, and you will keep My judgments and do them.